Living together is hard, I should know, having been married and engaged multiple times I think of myself as someone with some expertise in this field. I have done loads of stupid things and although an “expert”, I am still making silly mistakes in my relationship with Tokyo, but I also realise that there are a lot of things that have no room in a good relationship and one of them is a powerstruggle.
Believe me, I know, because I have been in quite a few and it has never given me any positive results up to date, it has only giving me a lot of hardship and pain which leaves its mark on you for the rest of your life.
This time around I am lucky, there is no way I run the risk of getting pregnant, so in a way life is semi carefree, because if there is one thing that can screw up your relationship, it is getting pregnant (by accident).
And just to be clear, I think after raising my twins, I have done all I want in having my own kids, it is up to others now, to fill the planet.
I am also very fortunate in having two fabulous daughters in law, one who has already had my oldest grandchild and the other who is currently pregnant with my second one. I am also very lucky that they are both very loving and caring. I can see that when I see the mother with her child and the aunt who can make my grandchild laugh any time she appears. He adores her very much. I am also convinced that both my grandchildren are already loved from the second their presence became known.
Like I said I am lucky and so are both my grandchildren, they are already loved by all of us and never in any doubt about that. I count myself a very fortunate person.
But I realise this can be very different, like it was with my parents, they loved eachother, survived their youth and the war and made me in order to force my mothers mother for permission to marry, seeing as my mother was not even an adult yet.
My parents had to become a couple, got on their marriage their own place, while being pregnant with me and met with loads of negative input of my grandmother who was convinced that he was only after her money and would leave as soon as he got his hands on it. She obviously was not much of an expert of character, but this was their situation
They became in a (power)struggle overnight, being influenced by all their surroundings and trying to somehow cope with losing (both) their fathers at a very young age, their survival of the war and getting a stepfather who were both equally disliked.
And then there was me, being on my way, first as a peanut, later after my birth as a full grown baby and being cute as hell and being the oldest grandchild somewhat.
And while they were fighting about loads of stupid things, showing each other that one can hold out on things, while trying to get their own way, this little seed was growing into a real human being, full of feelings, picking up loads of emotions, anger, sadness, regrets, frustration and if I was lucky also some happiness.
You see I am convinced that a character is starting to be formed in the womb and it somehow depends a lot about how the parents are both getting on in life, because Peanut is picking up all (and both) their emotions.
So I am convinced that what people should really do when one of them gets pregnant, is admiring the tummy, play with it, sing to it, talk to it and above all show that they love it !!
Then the parents will also realise that all the love they actually put in this little peanut, will come out when the child comes out.
It is a funny thing to realise that if you give a peanut, loads of love while it is still in the womb and continue to do that after it is born, this child dares to think that it is loved and through that has a lot more confidence to live its life!
Unfortunately the opposite has also the opposite effect, at least it had on me. I was somehow discarded when my brother was born and it has had a huge effect on me in my and his life
Because the moment that parents are stuck in a power struggle, not even withstanding their intensity, they are certainly not busy with peanut and peanut might well grow up to feel that it was unwished for and accidentally begotten, even if it was not the case and that is the most horrible feeling for any child. I should know, I was such a child!
So I think we should start a new movement: love your tummy, or love peanut wherein parents should learn that life is not a singular struggle, but a joint venture and that it is time to realise that no one is going to win, everybody including peanut will definitely lose if you do not start acting as a couple.
I am utterly convinced that everyone wants the best for their child, it kicks into action by the second you you see it being born or have it in your arms.
That is the moment for many that they realise that they are now someone parents and should behave differently.
I personally think that is way too late, I think you should have started this process already while peanut was still in the womb, because then peanut would have such a nicer time becoming a baby to be born.
I also believe that sharing your weakness does not make you weaker, it gives a lot of space to grow stronger within yourselves and gives other space to join you in life.
Life is hard enough, so being strong from within, makes it more bearable and sharing your weakness(es) makes it more human and gives your partner a reason to be there for you, help you, share your load with you.
And the second you realise that sharing “the load” is kind of pleasant, makes life feel a lot easier, lighter dare I say it: happier, I think that is the moment that peanut will become a whole lot calmer, wiser and better in coping with its own life.
Thanks to you, showing/sharing your weaknesses, stopping the fights accepting that you are both going to be parents of this beautiful creature some day soon.
Have a great day !