“Nothing is worse than losing a friend, because they thought they did not think they had anybody to talk to…”
I saw it today on the wall of one of my friends, I even had it on my own wall but all of a sudden I realised that that is not how it works…
You see you do not always realise how bad or if you like, how far you have gone, when all of a sudden, just like that halfway clearing the table you just walk out because just this second your bucket is totally full and overflowing.
It has happened to friends of mine and I was furious about it, why did they not call me, I could have helped them, solved their problems, cleaned up the mess, we could have done it together like you do with good friends, so why did they not … But they are dead, you are alive and above all you are livid with them!
I saw on You Tube a video about Roman Kemp, Capital dj, who had his best friend working with him, who just before all the restrictions were lifted, could not cope with life anymore and had stepped out of it. The questions that remained were, why had nobody noticed his despair, he had obviously a loving family, good friends, great colleagues, so HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?
That was till tonight, you see I have great friends, all over the world who would do anything for me, I have lovely family who adore me and I have the most loving and gorgeous boyfriend one can ever imagine.
So how and why did I walk out last week, in the middle of nothing, just like that while my bf was helping me to get a grip on the information and why did I almost had it again tonight??
I think there comes at a time that without noticing it yourself, your bucket runs over, while being surrounded by wonderful caring people from whom you think they cannot help you! Because you think you have to do it all by yourself and in any case everyone is busy within their own life.
Well actually, I did call out to one of them but he was busy and he asked me to call back tomorrow, under any circumstance completely acceptable, at that very time it was the final drop.
I left the house very quietly, without any warning for my living in boyfriend. He hadn’t even noticed at first that I had gone, just as I wanted. I walked quickly away from the house towards the forest, not actually sure how or what but just realising I had had enough!!
Thank God my boyfriend noticed that I went all too quietly and wondered if he should follow or not, in the end he followed, quietly running behind me and really catching up with me calmly. “Hey Pastoor, where are you going?? Let’s go home and drink some tea”; and he took me by the arm in order to direct me back home.
You see I am not really suicidal, I had just had enough, my bucket was and is still overflowing and I had no more place for any more drops and though I am really a survivor, strong and determined, except just then when my bucket overflowed, then life becomes really too hard to live, even for me.
Tonight I realised my bucket is still overflowing, but I am still here and I will face it all.
Somewhere in between I might cry to a friend who gives me a lot of wisdom via the phone, or have another driving over here because he cannot bear to hear me cry,
You see I do not normally cry, I am a happy soul, very positive and Erics bird of Paradise and I am surrounded by wonderful people, but for a while I could not bear my full bucket anymore, I just wanted to run away, preferably permanently, no more tears, no more pain!
I have also learned that at these moments, you do not care about anyone else, not because you do not care, but because your own pain is so omnipresent and overflowing that there is no place for anything else.
I now know and understand why they did not call, asked, wrote or spoke. They had no more space/place for anything else but themselves.
I have told my friend what happened when he asked me to call another day, we laughed and he promised to listen at least for 4 minutes any next time and I will hold him to that. He also gave me some good advice which I will take to heart.
I was told today that I am trying to walk in shoes a few sizes too small in order to please other(s) and he was and is absolutely right!
So when I am all in order again, sometime very soon, I will do something solely for myself, again not caring about anyone else’s feelings, but my own, but in this case I will take my loveliest and dearests with me, to enjoy it too!
I will start to walk around in my own size shoes and learned to really enjoy the space within them. My bucket will be gone, so I will have loads of space again.
Thanks to my wonderful friends and my lovely boyfriend, I am at peace once more!
I feel very lucky to be alive even though life might be shit at this moment, but how can I appreciate the good things, if I have never experienced the bad things..
Have a great day!