I have lost friends to suicide along the way and many a time I thought there was not direct sign as to why they did it.
In certain cases I know they had a really good time even the night before, so how come they decided to end it?
But these days, I am starting to comprehend where they are coming from, and yes I am living quite a nice life, I have my dogs, my kids, my friends, my health, my brains, my guts and can live comfortable, but somehow I have gone down into a downward spiral for a while now.
I wanted to leave Holland weeks ago, but every time there is something that pulls me back, repairs to my camper, moving house with my son, arranging my storage from two into one and although I have the best friends in the world, I am starting to drown easier and easier, which in my normal way of thinking would never occur.
I am frightened that at the right moment there might not be anyone to catch me, for I have been near quite a few times, although I try desperately not to show it.
I hate to be depended on others, I feel that people should and have a right to depend on me, but never the other way around!,
So you get to dislike yourself because of this weakness and although there are enough people around who would care, you feel that you cannot contact them because you do not want to bother them.
You do not even realise that if and when you say goodbye, you will leave them behind utterly devastated and almost offended because they would have been happy to be bothered and might have shown you a way back to life.
It is like a Dutch songwriter once wrote: ondanks dat je zoveel mensen kent, toch ontzettend eenzaam bent! (eventhough you know a lot of people, you are still very lonely) and that is exactly how it works.
You do not want to be a bother, everyone else seem very happy, so why am I not as happy?
I am one of the lucky ones, I can write about my feelings, I can tell you about them, not to get pity, but to give you the understanding that eventhough you might live a wonderful life, you might well be in such despair without it being noticed by anyone!
I will overcome this despair, I am practical and yesterday out of the blue someone unexpected reached out to me, told me to ask for his help and we had a drink somewhere.
You see sometimes it is these “small” gestures, that decide the difference between staying or going!
I am going to stay, do not worry, but I thought that I might as well give you an insight on how quiet despair might turn quite logically into finalities.
You cannot always be there at the right time, especially if they do not show/share their feelings, it is not always grand gestures, sometimes they are quite small, almost unrecognisable, so it is not your fault for not recognising them, nor is it their fault for not showing/sharing them.
That is very important to know!
Have a great day,
Colette