I have realised that i have tried and walked away from my responsibilities for quite a while, not because of outside changes, but more because I still have this huge feeling of being overwhelmed which I can somehow not get under control
I realised that MY HOUSE is a huge mess and I cannot seem to settle it. I have to take steps, which scare me and I dare not ask advice to the many sensible experts around me, for fear of embarrassing myself.
I cannot help my kids to settle their inheritance, so it is gathering dust in the garage, I do not know what to do anymore about it. And nor do they. Their loss is my loss and it overwhelms every so often.
My days are filled with running around not getting anything done or finished and I am exhausted.
I am overwhelmed and cannot go on like this.Funny how this comes to a climax, while I fell in Love and started to close the doors to the past whom could not have been opened up anyway
Because Eric is not Eric anymore, but a packet of dust, gathering dust on a high shelf in his office. His office is nearly empty but I cannot move anything anymore, because of the boxes full of stuff in front of it and my reluctance to get them out of the house, scared that they costs of storing them, will far outweigh the emotional attachment of my kids.
If I asked him once I asked him a hundred times to get this tidied up and now while I could, I feel totally paralysed to do anything.
I would love to be taking by the hand and told that everything is going to be all right, but I know that this is my own fight against myself and unfortunately I have to do it all alone.
It is funny that while I am hugely strong, I can be such a whimp in certain things. I will survive, because I always do, but I am not alone anymore, my sons, daughters in law, grandson and my dogs depend on me for their survival and it scares the living daylight out of me.
How the hell… did I get here, and what can I please repair in order to survive..?
But I will have to, a person is never living only for themselves and if they are, they should also accept the consequences of that behaviour. I have seen that from very near and it is scary stuff.
It has strengthened me in my idea that if I have the Dementia gen from my mothers side, I will decide alone when I will get out. I hope I will have quite a while but if not, then not.
I am not going to succumb to that state just so I can live a few days more and eventually too many days will have passed and I will not be able to decide for myself anymore.
It will be my solemn promise to me: I am allowed to step out, before I am reduced to just dementia.
So from today I am going to make a list, reversing responsibilities to the people where it belongs, so not everything is mine..
I am going to ask for help to clear this house, to clear all other things and to get my house back in order.
I will ask for help and I will dish out advice to myself which I have giving out for the last 100 years (nah, but you did not really think I was going to give my real age out, do you..?)
I will try to live by the combination of my own advice and rules and somehow manage to survive this mess.
The reason why I am writing this all up, so that I can read it back and remind myself daily, because it will be a daily struggle which needs to be succumb.
Oh and if you think that I am the only one in this struggle, than take a good look around you, I am not alone, we are millions:
all struggling,·
all thinking that nobody can help us,
· too proud to ask for help,
· not deserving any assistance
· too scared to ask
And please if you find someone like me, tough but somehow a bit lost, please do not ask if they need help, but just walk in and start somewhere and show them you want to help.
Instead of asking: Do you need some help?
Walk in and ask: where would you like me to start??
I gave you an insight of my struggle, not just because they are soo hard, but also because I know there are loads of people in my situation anywhere around you.
He or she cannot and dare not ask you for their help. Please make them an offer, they cannot refuse, it might make the difference between coming to the point of jumping or somewhat surviving.
I wish all my co-people where ever you are, a lot of strength, because it is a hard struggle.
Perhaps you could start by asking someone just to give you a hand removing a box from the top shelf, you cannot reach by yourself…
Have a wonderful day trying!
29 n0vember 2020